


to all the idols she's loved before

by itsukishus



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: AND THEN THEY REAL DATE, F/F, Fake Dating, Inspired by To All The Boys I've Loved Before, im back with my enstars lesbians thank u, trickstar is there briefly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-31 13:16:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20115706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsukishus/pseuds/itsukishus
Summary: It became a thing. Eating lunch outside of the clubroom with Isara and her unit (and an added bonus Ritsu). Avoiding Kiryu. Spending some time with Kaoru. After school and weekend dates with Isara. Avoiding Kiryu. Avoiding Kiryu some more.





	to all the idols she's loved before

It started with Kiryu, naturally. Who _ wouldn’t _ fall in love with their best friend growing up, at least a little _ tiny _bit. Shu wasn’t sure if it was romantic love or strong platonic love, but she loved Kiryu more than a lot. 

Then Kiryu’s mother passed and she _ changed _and Shu’s feelings felt less strong and she decided to sit down and write them out in her journal. 

It was nothing short of cathartic to her.

She didn’t know what she was doing when she ripped the pages out of her journal and folded them neatly, or when she put the pages into an envelope she had addressed, so she stuffed it into a box in her closet and forgot about it.  


She forgot about the stupid letter until first year of high school, when she met Wataru. Wataru, plainly speaking, was absolutely gorgeous, and Shu liked to admire her from afar.

Shu’s admiration followed her into second year, and with everything that happened in second year and Wataru ultimately visiting Tenshouin in the hospital just destroyed her feelings for her, so she sat at her desk in her room one night and angrily wrote everything out, detailing every single emotion Wataru had ever made her feel, before almost _ stuffing _that letter into an envelope and throwing it in with Kiryu’s.

Kaoru’s was third, and it came after the Events of second year. Kaoru never really went out of her way for Shu, but she _ was _always kind and even if she didn’t hate Eichi herself, she could tolerate an earful.

And she was nice to Mademoiselle, which was a bonus.

Then Shu saw her kissing Rei at the cafe where she liked to frequent and her letter came that night.

Then it was Isara Mao. Shu didn’t know where it came from, but it sure _ did _ and then she found out that Mao had this relationship like _ thing _with Rei’s little sister and that was enough for her letter to join the first three. 

Narukami Arashi, the fifth. Kagehira’s best friend. One of the most popular people at the school. She was always open, always friendly, a model, drop dead gorgeous, Shu’s Type (or at least she would be, if Shu had dated even a Single person to acquire a type. Did her crush on Kaoru count as her type being blonde?) Shu was the only person Arashi had ever really treated badly, but to be fair, she deserved it. Arashi and Kagehira were good friends, and Shu hadn’t always treated Mika well. 

Arashi’s letter was written shortly after Kagehira asked if it was okay that maybe, possibly, could she _ maybe _ take Arashi on a _ date _ date. Shu had no _ good _ reason to say no, so she scribbled out a letter to Arashi and shoved it into the box with the other five and swore to herself that she was done with falling in love. She was going to dedicate herself to her various forms of art and that’s _ that. _

x

_ Return to Sender _stamped neatly on the front of Shu’s letter to Wataru, sitting on the kitchen table at home, was enough to make Shu faint on the spot.

She woke up in her room, disoriented for just a moment, before she rushed to her closet, looking for The Box.

It was _ gone _and the only letter without a proper address was Wataru’s and she was going to have to dropout of school and live in the back of a theatre as the Costume Witch to avoid humanity forever.

x

Kagehira refused to let her skip school and be the Costume Witch unless Shu told her what was wrong, so Monday morning was spent hiding in various places across the school so she could avoid literally everybody because rumors in Yumenosaki spread faster than wildfires.

x

Tuesday, Kagehira had Rei drag her to class, promising fresh croissants if she attended at least three classes for the day. At least Kaoru wasn’t there to embarrass her.

x

She didn’t skip gym though, and she should have. She wasn’t exempted from gym this year, having been exempted for the prior two years for supplemental dance courses that she couldn’t take again, so she purposefully forgot her gym uniform and sat on the edge of the field watching everyone.

Her gym class overlapped with Isara’s _ and _Narukami’s, and she was praying that they both had the tact to not say anything to her. 

Her prayers went unanswered, and Isara rolled her ankle while chasing after Oogami and she was told to sit out for the remainder of the class.

_ Of course _she sat next to Shu.

“So, what was that letter?” Isara said quietly, leaning in so Shu could hear her without raising her voice.

“I haven’t any idea what you’re talking about.” Shu prepared to stand and sit across the field, away from Isara when Isara cleared her throat.

“You literally signed it with your full name, _ and _ left a return address, _ and _said Trickstar’s unit outfits are, what was it that it said, ‘horrendous and a crime against humanity,’ and you’re the only person in this school who would say things like that.” 

Shu started tearing grass out of the ground, looking anywhere except for Isara. “It was… catharsis.” She could see, in her mind’s eye, Isara’s eyebrow raise, the same eyebrow raise she does when she _ knows _someone is bullshitting her. Shu wasn’t saying anything that was bullshit, she planned on being selectively mute, deaf, and blind for the remainder of third year.

“You also mentioned that you had some, um. Quite strong feelings for me, and that Ritsu was in the way and making me perfectly unattainable and that it’s a _ shame _? Would you care to explain that?”

“Yes, actually, I would.” Isara’s eyebrow was probably twitching. “I already explained my feelings quite cl-”

Oh _ god _ was that Kiryu? That was Kiryu. Kiryu was making her way towards the field and Shu was _ panicking _and grabbing Isara and not thinking and they were kissing? 

She felt like Isara was trying to say something and opted to ignore her because she just wanted Kiryu to go away. Isara pushed at her shoulders lightly, and Shu pulled away and wanted to die. That’s it. She wanted the pits of hell to open up and swallow her whole.

“Do you mind explaining _ that _ ?” Isara’s eyebrow raise indicated she was pissed. “Because you clearly stated that you were _ over me _, remember?”

“Oh, so you can read.” Isara sighed.

“Anybody could have seen that.”

“Don’t remind me.”

“Narukami _ definitely _saw that. So did Kagehira.”

“Thanks! I want to die already, don’t make it worse.”

“I’ll tell coach you got sick and went to the infirmary if you tell me what in the everloving _ fuck _ that was about.” Shu’s head was on the ground. She’s not sure when she decided putting her _ face _ in the _ dirt _wasn’t beneath her, but here she was.

“I wanted to avoid Kiryu.”

“I’m almost positive there’s better ways to go about it, but I’ll accept that for now. Go. I’ll cover you but just _ once, _and after this I want real answers.”

x

Shu was in the middle of tearing her house apart, looking for her box, when she heard someone at the door. Kagehira beat her to the door before she could tell her not to even _ think _about touching it, and was trying to sneak up the stairs when she heard “Oshi-san should be up in her room, but I’m not too sure.”

Isara met her on the stairs.

At least Isara was better than Kiryu.

She showed Isara up to her room, hoping her prayers that the floor would swallow her whole would be answered this time with every step she took. Isara made herself comfortable on Shu’s bed, waiting for Shu to speak first.

Shu’s first day of being selective mute started immediately, apparently.

“I had to avoid Kiryu-senpai all day because of you, you know. It’s kind of hard when she’s in the same unit as fukukaichou.”

“I have to avoid half of the school, so who _ really _ has it worse?” She was horrible at being mute.

“_ Half the school? _How many feelings do you have?”

A lot. “Gossip spreads fast.”

“So I’m not the only recipient?” Shu shook her head. “Kiryu-senpai got one too?” a Nod. “Who else?”

“It doesn’t matter.” She wasn’t facing Isara but she knew the smaller girl was raising her eyebrow. “Don’t tell Kiryu that I only kissed you to avoid her.”

“What am I supposed to do? _ Lie _?”

“Of course, tell her whatever, just not that it was fake.”

Isara snorted; the sound made Shu’s toes curl, it was unbecoming. “But was it fake?” She could hear Isara rustling through her school bag and felt faint. “Because this letter sure does lead me to believe that it wasn’t.”

_ Maybe _ spinning around to face Isara like she did wasn’t good for her head, but she did anyway. “Do _ not _ weaponize my feelings, Isara. I wrote that so that I could get over the feelings I had for one of my best friend’s little sister’s girlfriend. My heart isn’t a _ toy. _”

“Did Nito-senpai get one of these too? Or do you just write them when you want to get over something?” Shu contemplated the benefits of slapping her. 

The bad outweighed the good and she decided that her best course of action was to slam her hand on her desk instead.   
  
Isara stood. “You just said not to weaponize your feelings, I know. I’m just curious.”

“I haven’t written one for Nito yet, no. I don’t know what to say.”

“You sure had a lot to say to me, and we’d never spoken before so…” Shu sighed. “Well, I guess we can try to keep Kiryu off your case for a while. You wanna go on a date? We can go to some fancy French cafe and I’ll buy you a croissant. Let’s go.”

“What benefit does this have for you? Keeping Kiryu off my case is one thing, but she’s not going to harass you.”

“No, but Ritsu will and she saw that kiss, so, let’s go. I’ll pay.”

x

Shu and Isara discussed details of their ‘relationship’ over lunch, and Isara decided that it was effective immediately and she would see her first thing in the morning to walk to school. 

They would _ hold hands _and everything Shu has ever wanted. But Fake, of course. 

x

Shu hid in the bathroom through all of lunch, not being able to handle the stares of her classmates and Isara’s classmates and her own friends. She was almost at peace, sitting on one of the toilets, until a letter was thrown under the door.

“I only read the first couple lines, I swear.” Oh thank _ God _it was Kaoru. “It’s too personal for me, so I figured I’d give it back. I feel like you didn’t want me to have it anyway.”

“I certainly did _ not _ . But thank you for returning it.” She’s acquired part two of her five pinnacles of Shame.   


“Will you come out and talked to me? I locked the main door.” 

“I don’t have Mademoiselle so I’m not sure I’m going to be interesting.”

“I don’t want to talk to Mademoiselle, I want to talk to Shu.” Shu sighed and unlocked the door, letting it swing open. Kaoru nodded. “We don’t have to talk about the fact that you sent that.”

“I didn’t.” 

“But you know I’m with Rei, right? Like, ‘would probably spend the rest of my life with Rei’ with Rei.”

“That’s nice.”

“Also, what do you mean, you didn’t send that? Who did?”

Shu shrugged, “Don’t tell anyone.”

Kaoru patted her back, once, Shu figured it was supposed to be a comforting gesture. “So, you and Isara, huh? Rei’s little sister was nooot happy about that one. She was apparently _ very _bitey this morning.” Shu raised her eyebrow at Kaoru.

“Look at Rei’s arms when you get a chance,” she laughed, “She kept saying, ‘Onee-chan loves you, no matter what, Ritsu,’ while sobbing in her coffin this morning.”

Kaoru managed to walk her all the way back to the garden terrace before patting her shoulder. “Go sit with your girlfriend,” she said with a wink before leaving to go sit with the rest of Undead.

Shu approached Isara’s table slowly, almost wincing at the thought of dealing with Ritsu, who was glaring at her and draping herself over Mao.

She cleared her throat lightly, “Mao, do you mind if I sit with you today?” Isara shook her head and pushed the chair next to her out. 

They’d talked about it at the cafe before, how Isara had casual speech patterns and it would be more believable to be on a given name basis now.

The table was quiet once Shu sat, and it was for a minute, until Ritsu spoke quietly.

“Shucchan, can we have a word?” Isara shook her head, pushing Ritsu off of her.

“No, you can’t. You’re just going to be mean and then my girlfriend will be crying with your sister in her coffin and I’m not putting up with that today.” Ritsu sighed and leaned her head on Isara’s shoulder.

“So! Itsuki-senpai!” Akehoshi really was as bright and sunshine-y in person as she was on stage. “How long have you and Sari been together?” Shu took a breath; they had discussed this over croissants.

“It’s still fairly new,” she said softly. 

Akehoshi leaned over the table, excited. “I heard Hasumi-senpai isn’t happy, how are you going to handle being in class with her?”

Isara snorted. “She literally skipped most of her classes yesterday. She’s probably skipping the rest of her classes today, as well. Also, Shu-chan, do you plan on eating?” 

Shu shook her head, “Kagehira’s going to be bringing croissants to club in a little while, so I’m holding over for them.” She looked up from her lap for the first time since she had sat down to find Isara frowning at her. Ritsu was laughing against Isara’s neck. Shu raised an eyebrow and cleared her throat lightly. “I think lunch is almost over,” she moved to stand, “would you mind walking me to my clubroom?” Isara stood, pushing Ritsu off her shoulder gently. They held hands until they were in the stairwell. Shu stood a few steps above Isara and crossed her arms.

“It was one of our stipulations, was it not, that Ritsu was going to have to back off?” Isara sighed. 

“Apparently I ‘owe’ her for this morning.” Shu waited, glaring. “Listen, I don’t particularly want to talk about it.”

“We have a deal, Isara.”

“Mao.”

“All the same, nothing positive will happen for either of us if we’re supposed to be _ dating _ and Sakuma Ritsu is hanging all over you like you have two hands and _ I _wouldn’t claim both of them.”

“Would you?” Mao said softly, starting to climb the stairs slowly. Shu scoffed.

“It’s not exactly a secret that I can be _ possessive _, Mao.” Mao was on the same step as her. “I don’t like sharing what I think is mine.” 

The step above.

“Kiss me, Shu-chan. Prove to Ritsu that I’m yours.” Shu was confused, but Mao was already leaning in towards her. “Where’s all the courage that you had yesterday?” Mao was almost too close. “Ritsu is watching,” she said softly, reaching up to run a hand through Shu’s hair. 

There’s reasonably _ no _explanation for Shu to be jealous of Mao’s relationship with Ritsu, they’d discussed it the night before at the cafe, but here she was, pulling Mao forward by the hand that was suddenly in Mao’s hair and their teeth were clashing and this kiss was worse than yesterday’s kiss but Shu felt like she had to prove a point and --

That was Kiryu, clearing her throat from above them somewhere.

“Other people need to use this stairwell too,” Kiryu stated, pushing her way past them. “Use your clubroom, Itsuki.” Isara laughed and apologized to her, bowing slightly before taking Shu’s hand and tugging lightly. “Itsuki. I need to talk to you.”

“Whatever it is, it surely isn’t _ that _ important, Kiryu. I’m extremely busy and don’t have time.” Shu was leading Isara now. Shu didn’t stop pulling her until they were safely in her clubroom with the door shut and locked.

“You need to improve your technique,” Isara said quietly, leaning back against the door.

“We had an agreement, Isara.”

“Mao.”

“We had an agreement, _ Mao. _”

“Ritsu’s just. Like this.” 

Shu’s eyebrow raised. “Can I see your hands?” Mao looked confused, but held her hands in front of her for Shu to take. “If this were real, both of these would be mine.” She dropped Mao’s hands and rested hers on Mao’s shoulders. “Mine.” She traced over Mao’s jawline, her cheekbones, over the light dusting of freckles on the girl’s nose, a single fingernail scraped over her lips. “It would all be mine.” She dropped her hand and stepped back. “I understand that Ristu is jealous and clingy and she's _ like that, _ but if we want to pull this off, I'm going to need you to make a little bit of a better effort to get her to back off.”

She took a moment to study Mao's features, to really _ look _at her, and remembered why she had even fallen for her in the first place.

Mao was simply adorable. Her features were soft and suited her nicely, she kept her eyebrows mostly natural, but still tidy and neat, her skin tone was darker than Shu’s, but she was actually active and went outside. Her freckles weren't dark and unsightly, they were just dark enough to be visible, but only if you were standing directly in front of her. Her eyes, a bright, verdant green, were always full of life. Her nose scrunched when she smiled and she had just _ one _ slightly crooked tooth that you could only tell was crooked if you were looking for it. 

Shu wanted to reach back up and stroke her face again but she couldn't tell from Mao's face exactly what the other girl was feeling.

“I know that my possessiveness isn't a good thing, but we _ do _have an agreement and. I feel like that's how I'd act if it was real.” She sighed and crossed her arms instead of reaching out. “I don't exactly need for you to make Ritsu to stop entirely, because I feel like that might harm your relationship with her, but I wouldn't like seeing her all over you like that.” 

“I'll try my best but please don't expect overnight changes.” Shu nodded slowly and backed away to her desk. 

“You're welcome to stay, if you don't have club.” She pulled her chair out. “You're welcome to stay if you _ do _have club; I know how overbearing Morisawa can be sometimes.”

Isara laughed, extending her arms above her head and stretching. “I try not to skip club often, to be honest. Where can I sit, though, if I stay? Are you going to teach me how to sew?”

Shu didn’t answer, instead busying herself with grabbing one of the few extra chairs in the room (mainly used for storage; spare scraps of fabric, Kagehira’s teddy bear disasters, a place to charge Aoba’s phone more than once.) She dropped it next to her own, making sure to leave it pulled out enough for Isara to sit down.

“Do you need to tell Morisawa where you are?”

Isara shook her head. “We had practice this morning, she’s got Ryuseitai stuff right now.”

“You really don’t have anywhere else to be? You said yesterday that you’re almost always busy.”

“I mean, if you _ want _ I can go to student council, but…” 

Shu almost snorted. “You can stay. I can teach you a few things, if you’d like.” Isara nodded slowly. 

“Do you want me to unlock the door?” Shu nodded. “Grab some fabric scraps on your way over, I’ll try my best to be nice but those will be easiest to work with, because you can’t _ really _ruin them.”

It was dark when Shu and Isara left the clubroom. Isara lamented missing a Trickstar practice _ and _all her student council duties, Shu was smug because Isara could (almost) successfully mend a tear without the mend being noticeable.

Also Shu only thought about stabbing Isara’s hands with the needles twice, which she considered to be a success. 

Isara walked her all the way home, and stayed on the porch to chat with her when she started panicking because Kiryu lives _ right there, Mao, she’s going to come bother me _.

Isara looked, through their entire conversation, like she had An Extremely Important Question, but held her tongue.

“As much as I would just _ love _ it,” Shu started, grabbing her bag as a hint that Isara needed to Leave before Shu’s parents invited her in for dinner, “I don’t think my parents are particularly keen on me receiving kisses from another girl on the front porch.” Isara laughed, and bowed.   


“That’s fine, I’m not particularly keen on kissing you in public too much anyway.” Shu resisted the urge to pout.

(Shu failed.)

“It’s nothing against you personally,” Isara said. “I just don’t really think that what goes on in my personal life is anyone else’s business. I’m fine with what we’re doing at school, but...I wouldn’t be upset if we reeled it in a bit. There’s not much to reel in in the first place, but it still seems like a lot.”

Shu sighed and leaned against one of the porch posts. “You’re worse with RItsu.”

“No, Ritsu is worse with me.” Isara sighed and adjusted her school bag. “I really don’t want to argue about this with you again. Am I walking you to school in the morning again?”

Shu nodded, “and we have a date planned this weekend right?”

“Yeah, I chose the cafe we went to yesterday so it’s your turn to pick!” Isara grinned and turned, not giving Shu an opportunity to reply before she was Off, headed _ back _to the school to make sure both Ritsu and Rei made it home.

x

It became a _ thing. _Eating lunch outside of the clubroom with Isara and her unit (and an added bonus Ritsu). Avoiding Kiryu. Spending some time with Kaoru. After school and weekend dates with Isara. Avoiding Kiryu. Avoiding Kiryu some more.

And then Kagehira let Kiryu in when Shu was in the bath and she was _ forced _ to talk to her about the letter. It didn't go over as bad as Shu thought it would, Kiryu was confused but overall understanding.

Until Shu mentioned that she'd kept her letters in a box that Kiryu’s mother had given her and Kagehira dropped a plate in the kitchen and Shu swore she could hear Kagehira say _ shit _ and something clicked in her head and Kiryu had to hold her back because if Kagehira had that box, Shu was going to break her legs.

Kagehira cried, Kiryu left a bruise on her arm from holding her back, but Shu got her box back and landed _ one _ decent kick against Kagehira’s thigh before she managed to apologize.

Kagehira apologized again when they were getting ready for bed. 

“I jus’ wanted ya t’be happy, Oshi-san.” She crawled into bed, making herself comfortable before patting the space next to her. “And ya are now, so I wasn't _ that _wrong to do what I did.” Shu thought about smothering her with her pillow.

x

And then the second years’ class trip happened and Mao and Kagehira were both away for the weekend and Shu was lonely. _ Bored _.

And then, at 3 am, she received a video message from Natsume. Of Ritsu and Mao. Kissing.

And she promptly shut her phone off, threw it across the room, and didn't touch it for three days until Mao got home.

x

She spent the weekend at Kaoru’s, despite Kaoru constantly complaining that she was ruining all the fun plans she had now that Rei’s sister wasn't home.

So Shu told Kaoru the entire truth, everything about how her entire relationship with Mao was fake and it had started to avoid Kiryu and also probably Narukami’s questions when they read their letters too.

She’d never seen Kaoru with _ that _ look of pity before.

“You caught feelings for real though, didn't you?” She asked, tucking Shu’s hair behind her ear. She'd been kind of growing it out since Mao told her it'd be pretty at her shoulders. Maybe she should chop it all off again. It was at an awkward point in growth anyway and she was having a hard time styling it for lives.

“I think I did, yes.”

Kaoru hummed and started petting Shu's hair. “Maybe you should tell her.” Shu wanted to scream.

“I don't,” she paused, curling in on herself. “I don't think I can.”

x

Shu's life goal was, once again, to be the Local Costume Witch.

She was back to avoiding everyone, isolating herself, skipping classes, occasionally not getting out of bed in the morning.

Mao stopped by twice to check on her, her family was worried about her, Mika was worried about her. Her friends called to express concern. 

She knew, logically, that she _ should _ let Mao explain what happened. She just didn't think she was ready for that.

She didn't have an “I just got my heart broken” playlist set up yet.

Kiryu and Kaoru were the only people who offered some sort of comfort (Kaoru being logical, and Kiryu offering to “whoop her ass,” if that's considered comfort.)

She was just..at a loss. She didn't know what to do. Her days, however many of them had passed since she'd seen Natsume’s video, passed in a daze. 

And then Narukami confronted her in the handicrafts club room and called her an idiot and told her that she was hurting Mao and Shu snapped.

What did it matter if she hurt Mao when Mao had hurt her? There was so much _ progress _ and she was happy and Ritsu was growing more independent and then _ this? _

And Narukami stood in the doorway, dumbfounded and confused before walking away.

And then there was a commotion in the hallway and Narukami had left the door open and Shu was panicking because she did _ not _ want to be any part of that but. There was Mao, beautiful, angry, and a pissed off Natsume holding her by the arm. 

“I don't want to see either of you right now,” she heard herself say.

Mao looked angrier than she had before. “You don't get to just _ ignore _ me like this!”

“And you don't get to just _ kiss other girls _ but you did anyway!” And the door was shut, slammed with all of Shu’s might and she was on the floor, crying, because she was a fucking _ idiot _ and should have known better.

She could kind of hear Mao yelling at Natsume. 

_ “It was a game” _

_ “You participated” _

_ “You made me” _

_ “You still kissed her” _

Was the third floor too high to jump from? If she _ did _ jump, would she jump into the sweet embrace of death?

Ah, she could hear Rei and Kaoru, sweet voices of reason, snapping at both of her underclassmen, separating them, probably to both be lectured. And she was there still, on her hands and knees on the floor, crying, _ sobbing _ because. She wasn't allowed to have good things. She _ knew _ she wasn't allowed to have good things and with Mao, things were so good that they almost seemed _ real. _

A hand on her back; Narukami and Kagehira _ both _offering her comfort. She didn't know what to do, she didn't know how to react, so she stayed on the floor and let herself be held by Kagehira. She could hear them talking over her head, and she knew they were talking about her, but she couldn't bring herself to stop them. Or respond.

She didn't remember getting _ home _. But she had several missed calls and texts from Mao. 

_ Will you at least let me explain? _

_ Will you please call me back? _

_ Shu-chan I'm worried _

_ I'll call Kagehira if you dont at least _ read _ these messages in the next twenty minutes_

Two voicemails, one explaining the events of that night, explaining that she was _ going _ to tell Shu, but her phone service was spotty at best where they were at and immediately upon her arrival home, Shu had started avoiding her. The second _ pleading _ Shu to let her know that she was okay.

She shut her phone off and went to bed.

Mao successfully managed to infiltrate her club room the next morning.

“I didn't expect to see you here today.” Shu didn't look at her. “Did you listen to my voicemails?” A curt nod. “Shu-chan listen--”

“Isara, I've told you before to _ not _ weaponize my feelings.” She paused, taking a breath and putting her sewing down. “You knew, from the start, how I felt about your relationship with Ritsu in regards to your relationship with _ me. _ ” Mao nodded. “I don't know if you thought you could get away with it because _ it's fake _, but Mao…” 

She finally looked up. Mao looked like shit.

“It wasn't all that fake to me. You may go.”

“I don't _ want _ to break up, Shu.”

“You may _ go. _”

There it was again, that tight pain in her chest, as the door shut.

At least Kaoru would be proud of her confessions.

x

She spent a week in bed, mulling over what Mao had said.

_ “I don't want to break up, Shu.” _

Did she. Did she want their relationship to be real?

Shu knew what _ she _wanted, but she couldn't read Mao's mind and Mao could...sometimes not answer her well. 

The only way to _ really _ know what Mao wanted was to confront her directly and Shu wasn't ready for that _ quite _yet.

x 

It took a week to, in Kaoru’s words, pull her head out of her ass.

She went back to her roots, back to the entire reason she was in this clusterfuck of a mess to begin with: she wrote all her feelings out, explained everything going through her mind in regards to Mao in detail. She put it in an envelope, addressed it, left her return address, and shoved it in her school bag.

She would find time.

x

Time was. Not easy to find. 

x 

Ultimately, it became a three person plan, in which Shu handed her letter off to Kagehira, who shoved it in Mao’s bag while she was being distracted by Narukami. Hopefully, that would work.

x

There were things that Shu wishes she were strong and brave enough to say to Mao’s face, the things she wrote in that letter, how she truly felt, how gorgeous she looked on the basketball court, how terrified she truly was to lose her.

There were things sitting on the tip of her tongue as Mao stood before her, hands trembling around the second letter Shu wrote to her.

She was scared, well and truly _ terrified _that Mao was going to throw her feelings back into her face. 

“It wasn't fake to me, either, Shu-chan.”

Three steps forward and Shu’s lips met with Mao’s. It was slow and gentle, everything Mao deserved and Shu was actually thriving, happier than she had been since just before the video, and she was punctuating her “I love you”s with kisses.

This is what she felt she deserved, this is what she had _ dreamed _of. 

To love and to be loved, just like this.

  


**Author's Note:**

> [screams into the abyss] i lost inspo on this for MONTHS and literally only joined eso so that i could finish it and here! we ! are!!!! welcome 2 my ultimate lesbian shumao masterpiece!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> twt: @ltsukls


End file.
